Never Anger Your Mechanic
by willwrite4fics
Summary: When someone is working on your vehicle, you probably shouldn't make many demands. Especially when there's a war on. Especially when they're the enemy. And most especially when one is Newkirk. Entry for the Short Story Speedwriting Challenge.


Cooking with Gas

Sometimes the POWs do auto repair, but couldn't they work faster? Schultz has to really press them sometimes to get work done! I wrote this one in a rush this evening. Also, none of my entries had a beta reader since I didn't get them uploaded until now, so only a couple were even pre-read so any mistakes are mine and my own fault alone. Last minute writing didn't allow me to ask any of the most excellent authors on here to help me out, unfortunately.

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Newkirk was buried under the hood of Klink's staffcar, grumbling. Carter leaned to peer into the engine and almost knocked the hood support out.

Newkirk's hand shot up to grab the support just before the hood came down and he propped it back into place with a few well chosen curses. "Dammit Carter. Get away from me! Are you trying to kill me 'ere?" Casting one glare over at the American, he shifted himself back into the guts of the engine to begin jerking at a hidden part again. "Stupid ruddy bolt… it's jammed."

Carter leaned back in trying to see. "Can I help?" Stretching up on his tiptoes, he bumped into Newkirk's hip.

"Carter!" Newkirk lifted one foot to kick at him. "Get away from me!" There was a soft clank and a few clangs. "Ruddy spanner just fell!" He grunted and tried to scoot further into the engine. "Carter, get under the bloody car and find that spanner!"

"You got it buddy!" Carter was under the car in an instant. "I'll find it!" He rummaged around for a moment while Newkirk backed out of the engine and found a rag to wipe his hands off. As he waited, he stretched his back and then saw Schultz approaching. "Hey Schultzy, what's up? Walking off some of that blubber today, are we?" He poked the big guard in the belly as he came up.

"Jolly joker," replied Schultz. "I am here to find out if Kommandant Klink's car is ready. He wants to go into town and if it is not ready, he will be very angry." He peered at the car engine and at the parts laying about. "It does not look like it is ready. Please, Newkirk, please tell me that kommandant Klink's car is ready."

"Okay. Kommandant Klink's car is ready." Newkirk smiled easily.

"It _is_ ready?" Schultz looked astounded, as well he might considering that the staffcar spent more time sitting around half disassembled than it spent running.

"No. But you said to tell you that. I'm just trying to do what you said, Schultz." Newkirk indicated the car. "I still 'ave to put the carburator back in." He picked up a random part to show Schultz. "Do you 'ave any idea what would 'appen to you if you tried to drive this car without this properly installed? Do you?" He shoved the part under Schultz's nose and raised his eyebrows. "Hmmm?"

"Nein… what would happen?" Schultz looked very nervous suddenly.

Newkirk drew the part back to examine it. "I don't know. I 'oped you'd 'ave some idea. Tell you what… you drive the car and let's see!" He waved the part towards the driver's door. "If it explodes, well, try to tuck and roll when you fly out."

"Jolly joker! Put that part into the car engine!" Schultz gave Newkirk a little push. "Put it in there! The kommandant wants his car!"

Newkirk stepped backwards and caught himself on the car hood. "Okay okay..." He grabbed up a tool and squeezed into the engine compartment to mutter to himself. "Ruddy Krauts, 'ere I am doing volunteer work on the German wanker's staffcar when I could be resting instead and do I get thanks?"Another few clangs and he pulled himself back out. "There. It's installed." He kicked at Carter's leg. "Carter! You found that spanner?"

"No! I'm looking… wait… yes!" Carter squirmed back out, holding up the wrench triumphantly. "Look I found it!"

Newkirk plucked it out of his hand. "Good job, now go get the oil filter." He elbowed Carter lightly. "Alright Schultz, see? Now I can finish up." He shoved back into the engine to mutter some more.

Carter came back with an oil filter and smiled at Schultz. "Hey Schultz."

"Hello. What are you doing?" Schultz pointed at the oil filter. "Are you putting that into the car?"

Carter looked at it for a few seconds. "Oh. Yeah I'm gonna put this in." He went to the far size of the car to bend down into the engine. "It won't take a moment."

While he was busy, Newkirk came back out, wiping his hands again on the rag. "Smoke break, Schultzy." He plucked a cigarette out of his pocket and got ready to light it. "Car should be done soon."

Schultz snatched the cigarette out of his mouth. "Nein! The car needs to be done now! No breaks! Finish the kommandant's car!" He pointed at the car.

"But Schultz!" protested Newkirk. "I'm..."

"Nein! You work on the car now!" Schultz gave him little shoves.

"But Schultz, you don't understand!" said Newkirk.

"Nein! No talking! Fix the car now!" Schultz picked up a part laying to one side. "Put this in the car now!" When Newkirk started to object again, he hefted his rifle. Even if it was unloaded, Schultz felt fiercer holding it. "Nein, you will do it right now!"

"All right, all right, calm down, want this installed in the car?" Newkirk took the part and held up his hand. "You want it installed right now, I'm installing it right now." He backed up carefully and found some tools. "See? Doing it right now." He settled in the engine, poking about and muttering to himself. There was a clang. "Ruddy git shouting at me about getting things fixed? Fine, I'll put the thing in the engine."

While Newkirk grumbeld to himself under the hood, Carter straightened up and came back to stand beside Schultz. "Hey Schultz, all done with the oil filter."

Still feeling rather fierce, Schultz frowned at him. "What else do you need to do to the car?"

"What else? Geez, Schultz. I'm done with my stuff. I mean, I'm working really hard, Schultz. You could at least appreciate all the work we're doing. It's only polite. We might be at war and all, but you could at least not be all rude and stuff. What if we were rude to you?" asked Carter earnestly.

"All right… all right… I just want for the car to be ready for the kommandant so that he is not angry at me anymore." Schultz pleaded with the American. "The kommandant is angry and he is blaming me and I just want for the car to be ready and Newkirk will not put the part back into the car and the kommandant will send me to the Russian Front."

Newkirk grunted loudly. "Calm down, no reason to go off your chump." He straightened up and took the hood down to close it. "You wanted it installed and now it's installed so there you go. Now we're cooking with gas." He beamed. "I'm sure Klink will be right chuffed over it." Stepping away, he looked up at Schultz. "I 'ope you're blooming 'appy."

Schultz smiled and nodded mockingly. "Ja. I am very happy now, Newkirk." He found the car keys and walked over to squeeze into the driver's seat. "You two go back to the barracks and stay out of trouble!"

"Sure thing Schultz," said Carter cheerfully.

Newkirk nodded as well, sidling up to Carter and nudging him towards the entrance of the motor pool. "Come on, Carter. Fancy a bit of a stroll to the messhall? Maybe there's some chores we could do to get a bit of nosh." He nudged Carter again most insistently.

As they walked quickly out of the motor pool entrance, Carter looked over at his friend in confusion. "Newkirk, I thought you were done installing all the parts on the car?"

"I was." Newkirk glanced over his shoulder and sped up his walk a little bit more.

"Then what was that last part you were putting in when I got done with the oil filter?" Carter looked back as well but didn't see anything.

"That was one of the ignitors off of one of the messhall stoves." answered Newkirk with a soft laugh.

"What? But… what will that do in the engine?" Carter almost stopped but was pushed to keep moving by Newkirk's hand on his arm.

"Oh, I don't know. But Schultz is about to find out, isn't he, now?" Newkirk grinned then ducked as a loud 'BOOM' sounded from the motorpool. "Leg it, Carter!"

They both took off running. Carter was shouting as he ran. "I can't believe you did that!"

Newkirk laughed as he stayed right on Carter's heels. "Oi! Schultzy ordered me to install it! I couldn't very well disobey!"

There was a loud bellow of angry German from the motorpool. "NEWKIRK!"

"Oi… keep running!"

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End

Okay, maybe Schultz got a bit singed, but he doesn't count, does he? Newkirk didn't get hurt! Totally doesn't count.


End file.
